What should I do? suicide related?

Question by nerfherder: What should I do? suicide related?
What you are about to read is a massive sob/venting story that is several paragraphs long. If you don’t have a long attention span don’t bother reading this. I personally don’t care if you read it or not, the only reason I’m writing this is to get the things that have been bothering me on paper so that I can maybe begin to fix them in one way or another. I would like people to comment and encourage people too. I am going through a difficult time right now and I would love any kind of feedback I can get. ☺

Let me start by telling you a little bit about myself so you can get an idea of where I am coming from. Right now, I am an ordinary guy in my Sophomore year of college. I wish I could tell you that I love the college life, that I have tons of friends and that I am having the time of my life. But that would be a lie. I could have been a normal person like you but a lot of things went wrong along the way. By the grace of god, I suffer from dehabilitating ADD which has caused me social anxiety problems and severe suicidal depression. This issue was seemingly resolved in my 10th grade year, when my therapist introduced me to Adderall. Little did I realize that I would pay the price years later. With Adderall, my high school years were incredibly enjoyable. I had everything that a high school age boy could want. I was captain of our state championship winning varsity soccer team, I was the president of our class, I had tons of friends, I had a steady drug connection, and to top it all off, I had a beautiful girlfriend who I had crushed on all 9th, 10th and 11th grade. My life was absolutely perfect. Unfortunately all good things come to an end, and this was no different. I have yet to recover and I do not think I ever will.

So I graduated and had a fun summer filled with warm memories that now depress me. My girlfriend and I went to college together and for the first week everything was peachy. The next week disaster struck. I was caught on campus with LSD. I won’t go into how, I realize how stupid it was and I don’t need lecturing on that. Anyway, I was kicked out of school and my girlfriend left me. After almost 2 years together, in my time of need, my girlfriend abandoned me. To avoid jail time I was put into a mental hospital for 3 months for their LSD rehabilitation program, all of this while I heard heart-wrenching stories of my ex having sex with a new fraternity boy every weekend. At this point, I was dead inside. Absolutely dead. I cried all day in my cell/room. I was locked inside with nobody to talk to. I had lost absolutely everything. I thought about killing myself every day every minute every second. What was the point? I had a strong family upbringing, and in the eyes of my parents all I could detect was disappointment and regret, as if they had done something wrong. When I got out of the hospital, I got a job at a sports store nearby to take my mind off of what happened. It didn’t work. It was a struggle to avoid breaking down crying everywhere I went. My life was literally destroyed. I was a nobody. I was a fuck up. And so I turned to the one source that made me happy in high school: Adderall. I began to start my days by snorting a line of freshly cut Adderall, I would go to the mall and buy massive purchases of expensive clothing to make myself feel better. It was unnervingly pathetic and I knew this, but I felt so empty, and something as trivial as a new shirt from Lacoste made me feel better about myself, at least until the high wore off. By day, under the influence, I was a charismatic man capable of pretty much anything, but by night as the high wore off, I became a reclusive hermit, bent on thoughts of suicide. During one of my highs, I made plans that in January at my new college, I was going to recreate my old life. I was going to be the guy people loved to be around and I was going to be happy again. Sounds simple enough, right? Wrong.

I came to my new college with high aspirations that crumbled to pieces. I started off good, I made friends in my classes and I decided the best way to make new friends would be to rush for a fraternity, which I did. I received a bid from my fraternity of choice and all was well. During rush my social anxiety came back, and not only did it come back, it came back to a degree that Adderall could no longer fix. In fact the Adderall made it worse and I stopped taking it. Unfortunately Me + No Adderall = no personality. I returned to my pre-10th grade shy timid self. I contemplating skipping class out of fear that a teacher would call on me, I faked sick to avoid going to fraternity/sorority mixers, I began to do everything I possible could do to avoid speaking to people. I lived a mundane existence of going to class and then returning to my room where I would cry under my blankets. I had zero self-confidence, I had zero-will to live. I wanted to disappear. Even though I actively avoided people, I longed for acceptance from my peers and the love
Part 2:

peers and the love of a woman. People began to notice my socially awkward behavior and began laughing behind my back and making fun of me to my face as well. Nearly every social encounter I would be a part of, I wanted to cry afterwards because I felt like I made such a fool of myself. Life was terrible.

Here I sit in my chair. I hate my life. I hate humanity. I hate everything and everyone. I want to die and I want to disappear. I am so insecure about myself that even though I want to commit suicide, I want everyone to be told that I died of natural causes. Everything I ever loved and cared about is gone. Nobody cares about me except for my parents and my siblings. All my fraternity does is make fun of me, and I have no other friends at college because I’m an awkward recluse. I’m no different than that weird Goth kid I used to laugh at back in high school. Karma’s a bitch right? I deliberately drive drunk, take extra pills, eat uncooked eggs and chicken, out of the hope that
Part 2:

peers and the love of a woman. People began to notice my socially awkward behavior and began laughing behind my back and making fun of me to my face as well. Nearly every social encounter I would be a part of, I wanted to cry afterwards because I felt like I made such a fool of myself. Life was terrible.

Here I sit in my chair. I hate my life. I hate humanity. I hate everything and everyone. I want to die and I want to disappear. I am so insecure about myself that even though I want to commit suicide, I want everyone to be told that I died of natural causes. Everything I ever loved and cared about is gone. Nobody cares about me except for my parents and my siblings. All my fraternity does is make fun of me, and I have no other friends at college because I’m an awkward recluse. I’m no different than that weird Goth kid I used to laugh at back in high school. Karma’s a bitch right? I deliberately drive drunk, take extra pills, eat uncooked eggs and chicken, out of the hope that
Part 3:

I will somehow die from these situations. My depression has gotten so bad that I am actually beginning to enjoy it. I am happy when I am depressed and feel like a loser. I suffer from abandonment issues because of my break up. I just want to love and be loved back, but apparently that’s too much. I would love to commit suicide but I don’t have the courage to do it. I will probably live the rest of my life in solitude like I have been doing for the past year. My parents have no idea now but they will probably start to wonder what the problem is when I’m 40 and not married, much less haven’t had a girlfriend or a friend in 21 years. Life sucks. I’m sure many people are much worse off, but I don’t care because I’m not those people. I guess I will leave this world the same way I entered it: alone.

Best answer:

Answer by Leann
don’t let go. a good friend of mine recently committed suicide and so many people were devastated. If she could have just seen all the people at her funeral…maybe she would have stayed with us. There’s many people that love you out there. Don’t give up hope.

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