My mom abandoned me when I was little… and….. (sorta long sorry)?

Question by Jessica: My mom abandoned me when I was little… and….. (sorta long sorry)?
I’m 20 and I’m a female, both my parents met in rehab. My mother was addicted to Xanax and Ambien and way later on she got hooked on crack cocaine. When I was born my dad took full custody of me, my mom was rarely in my life.. seen her maybe 6 -10 times a year and for some years she had stints in prison / jail. Since I was VERY small I have memories of being very overly emotional. When I would get in trouble I would sit in my room stare in the mirror and scream and cry WHY ME! I HATE MYSELF! in Kidnergarten this was. Also on my 4th Birthday I tried to carry a peice of cake to my dad and I dropped it on the floor and remember crying and saying “I can’t do anything right” I was also extremely attached to my dad.. if he went anywhere without me I’d freak out and sit in the window making up songs like “where’s my daddy, where’s my dad” forever… people used to say I was glued to his belt loop. My dad’s mom – my grandma lived with me since I was born and still does to this day.. She is very verbally abusive and always told me my mom was a prostitute, and really mean things.. I was VERY jealous of ANY woman that tried to talk to my dad.. or even some of his male friends that would get him to drink. As I got older things got really bad… I felt like I was nothing… I was sent to a psych ward when I was 13 for cutting myself and drinking. Eventually I was diagnosed with severe depression/bipolar. My mom died when I was 14 of a crack overdose, and she was only 33. My dad got married RIGHT after my mom died, and he moved out with his new wife and left me with my grandma. Then I started smoking weed at 15, and doing really hard drugs (heroin and coke) but I thankfully never got addicted. I was in a school with lots of rich kids and I wasn’t rich at all I never felt loved or like I belonged. I never got along with my step mom, I always felt she judged me. We came from two different worlds – she grew up very well off, and her parents were teachers, and her dad was also a pastor. I dropped out of school at 17, I was addicted to xanax, and klonopin. I tried xanax because I always heard that my mom was addicted to it. I started blacking out and binge drinking, I was in and out of the psych wards. I was addicted to xanax for 3 years I took over 10 pills a day and barely remember my life from 17, til just recently. I’ve been sober for 3 months now. I’m trying to get my life together but I still have these feelings of worthlessness and I’m still overly sensitive. I have a boyfriend who is really really mean and since I understand his past and how he grew up and WHY he has so much anger.. I try to stay with him but he makes me histerically cry every single day. He knows my past and uses it against me.. I am now 13 weeks pregnant and just trying to live my life happy. I never want my child to go through anything I did.. I stopped drinking, pills, and EVEN smoking cigarettes the day I was told I was pregnant. I stopped everything. I just want to know what should I do to help myself feel better? I can’t stop being so sensitive why am I like this?

Best answer:

Answer by Soon to be Mrs. Mullins <3
You need to get away from your abusive boyfriend. Even if he has a bad past and you understand him that is still no reason to treat you the way he does.

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