Inside the Electric Shock Chamber-one Man’s Experience of the Controversial Ect
the door and a tall well-dressed man, probably in his forties entered the room. He immediately introduced himself as my Anethetist for tomorrow. He went about his business of checking me out but his very presence had sent my mind into overdrive.
So it begins and I was overwhelmed by a terrible dread of what was going to happen to me tomorrow. My Psychiatrist had taken a great deal of trouble to explain to me how the whole procedure worked but I could not remember his words. My classic panic attack kicked into action and I pulled my arm away from the Doctor. My brain was revolting at the new turn of events. I felt physically sick at the thought of what was happening to me. He must have sensed my uncertainty and unable to help myself the tears streamed down my face. I blurted out my thoughts to him uncontrollably. ” Doc, is it going to hurt tomorrow?” The Anxiety of tomorrow was killing me now.He was a kind and compassionate man and he placed his hand on my shoulder. ” Alan, don’t worry, I’ll be there with you and I promise you will not feel a thing.” As I had done many times over the last year I now felt humiliated by my outburst and I put my head back on the pillow and closed my eyes. His voice echoed in the background. ” I’ll see you in the morning. Try and get some sleep. You’ll be O.K.” With that he was gone and I was alone again. He had switched the light off and I lay in the darkness of my room. Symptoms of Anxiety Depression. Sounded OK but the reality was entirely different for me. The pills that I had taken were beginning to work and as I drifted off to my version of sleep I realised that after all the medical advice and help as well as the love and caring of Mary and my family it all was up to me. I would have to find the inner strength and courage to face my own demons. Nothing had helped so far so what had I to lose. Depression had stolen my very soul from me. It had forced me to the very point of suicide. What worse could a couple of electric shocks do to my miserable life. Thankfully my twisted thoughts were interrupted by the luxury of sleep and I managed a short prayer before the darkness overcame me.
Whatever they had given me had worked like a charm and I was awoken by a different nurse telling me that it was time to get ready. She handed two of those green hospital gowns and said that she would be back in 5 minutes. I sat up on the side of the bed and gathered my thoughts. It was now time for the real deal. I would be fine. I had led a colourful life with many dramatic ups and downs so this should be a walk in the park. Addiction of the mind was not going to get me any time soon.But my deepest instincts told me otherwise. I was frightened. I could my heart beating rapidly. They were going to pass electric shocks through my brain and try and bring me back to the real world. It was bizarre but true.
A lot of people had suffered terribly due to my illness and I owed it to them to go through with this. But they were not here at this very minute. Fortunately my thoughts were once again stopped by the return of the nurse. She asked me to follow her to the Annexe. We walked slowly as my legs once again felt heavy and unco-operative. I could feel her watching my every move. Was she expecting me to make a run for it and if so, why? It was before 7 o’clock but the corridors were full of people and staff going about their business. Each step was bringing me closer to my fate and I could feel my resolve weakening. Was I out of my mind? Some stupid reactions of Alcoholism and Prescription Pills and now I had to rely on a Psychiatrist to pass electricity through my brian. Crazy.
The Annexe was right at the rear of the Hospital grounds and we had to walk out in the open to reach it. It was a lovely summers day in Durban with a clear blue sky. I almost felt like one of those men in the American movies who is taking his last walk to the execution chamber. As we reached the entrance to the Annexe she opened the door for me and took me through to a sort of waiting lounge, then she disappeared. I was alone again. I sat with my head on my knees and started to pray out loud. I needed his help now more than ever. To my left was one of those flipcharts that you see at seminars. Some other demented soul had obviously tried to pour out his own demons. The words were the ramblings of another broken and sad person and only reinforced my own misgivings of this place at the end of the road.
This time I was snapped out of my spiral downwards by the sound of another nurse at the lounge entrance. “We’re ready for you Mr. Butterworth.” I forced myself to stand up and walked towards her. She too seemed to be watching my every move and as I reached her she took my hand and said softly, “You’ll be fine.” Tears flowed down my cheeks as I took a few steps right behind her as she walked down the corridor and stopped at an open door entrance. For a moment I peered into her eyes and wondered what