From the Ashes Rises the Pheonix
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“What would you say if you talked to him?” I asked.
“I would tell him not to hit you anymore” That is what he said to me. Just like that. I didn’t know what he meant. See I thought that we were all going to sit down and talk. Things were going to be normal because Sensei would make it that way. I was under the illusion that things were going to get better.
—— poked his head in the door to let me know that he was there to pick me up.
“Panzer, go get changed” Sensei looked at me like a father looking at his daughter and wanting to protect her. I went into the changing rooms. They were these two little changing rooms next to each other at the back of the dojo. They each had a curtain on them that had a picture etched on them. The picture when the curtain was closed was a phoenix. It was standing there proud and tall. The picture was made by a Japanese artist that wrote in Japanese lettering on the side of the bird. I went inside of the little closed dressing room and pulled the curtain. I remember seeing the silhouette of the phoenix.
I tried to hurry, pulling at the belt that tied my gi. I was so nervous I was fumbling with it until I remember to just drop my shoulders and breath. My shoulders were up in my ears because I was breathing so shallow and trying to hurry. I untied my zubon straps (my pants) and pulled my pants down. I pulled on my jeans and through on my t-shirt. I took my socks in hand and exited the changing room.
Everyone that trained was still there. They were standing sentry. They wouldn’t let me past the door. Mr. Potvin walked past and looked at me. He touched my shoulder for reassurance. He opened up the door to step outside.
What I seen, I thought I would never see.
The night was still. There were stars in the sky and a little bit of clouds because it was going to rain. Across the street, the lights were on that radiated across the baseball field. The street was nearly empty. This was a fall night in Belmar and all the summer tourist have gone home.
Sensei was one angry man. I never saw someone so angry that wasn’t going after me. He had —- pinned against the wall. He was talking in a voice that I never heard him use. He spoke real low. It was clear what his intentions were, because —- was more pale than I have ever seen him. Sensei was a force to be reckoned with and now he had a new person in his family and it was now his job to protect her.
After this night, sensei became a second father to me. A new sense of duty, not only to myself but to my kids too. It didn’t happen overnight. I won’t stand here and say after that night I was free and everything was alright. It didn’t happen that way. I did go home with the idiot that night. He didn’t touch me for a long time. I was the dumb ass who stayed with him. It took a long time to get away from him. Finally when things got so out of hand, Sensei and M took it upon their selves to get me and my kids out. My sensei and M are 85% responsible for getting me out of that mess. They let me make my own choices along the way, because ultimately I had to decide what was important. I did eventually get away.
It took someone to care and to help me along the way, but like the phoenix, that spent his life and burned up, he rose again out of the ashes.
I went on to train after that. I loved my life with sensei, and M. I moved into a house in Matawan and I worked and went to school. It was rough being a single mom. I still trained whenever I could. M called me one evening.
“I want you to find a babysitter Saturday and come with me to Oradell NJ.”
“There will be a big seminar and you are to come and represent the dojo.”
“ I can’t train because I hurt my back and no one is available.”
“Why do you want me? I’m only yellow belt and I’m the most inexperienced person there.”
“Panzer, you are dedicated and have integrity and you would be perfect to represent us. I wouldn’t be more proud” Eve said this, and I started crying.
“You will be fine” we hung up. I had agreed to go but I was thinking,
(What am I getting myself into?)
I made arrangements for the girls with my dad. M drove her car into the driveway and told me to just bring my gi and my weapons and she already brought water and packed food for us. This was going to be an all day event.
M gave me the run down on what to expect. “Now