A List of Things to be Afraid of

either there was so much alcohol and
drugs or the violence was so excessive, that most of the
memories of the incident are blurred. Fortunately, I am told, I
didn’t get killed, which was a real risk, I guess. But, fuck
that. Any time you can’t — oh, wait, this should be the next
item…

Item #5. Never forget… any time you’re afraid of doing
something, just because you might die afterwards, is a time that
you officially have labelled yourself as a pussy. Go get drunk
and think about the decision you’ve made.

Actually, fuck that. I don’t need a reminder for that. Maybe I
need a reminder on like, getting regular therapy to treat that
ideal. But, a reminder for that? Fuck it. Scratch that fucker
off…

Item #5. Never forget… anytime you’re afraid of doing
something, just because you might die afterwards, is a time that
you officially have labelled yourself as a pussy. Go get drunk
and think about the decision you’ve made. (I suck. I can’t
believe I wrote this… sub-item #5: get therapy, heh.)

Item #5. Never forget… always make time to get wasted with
your friends.

This is an important note. Any lengthy amount of time during
life that does not include getting off in some way or form will
first burn, tear, rip, and eventually destroy you. If at any
time, you think you’ve been sober for far too long, immediately
take a ride to the nearest liquor store and get some booze.
Friends are a plus in this situation. Even if you have to
fuckin’ mark it on your calendar, make sure you gets wasted with
your friends. Whether you do this with an orgasmic game of
scrabble, fuck parties, heroin, or plenty of alcohol is your
decision. I’ve done all as a means of associating with my
friends, and I have to tell you, scrabble fuckin’ sucks. It
really is good to spend time with people that you can associate
with. It’s absolutely necessary. It is in these moments of
profound intoxication, forgetfulness, and sheer bliss that you
get such beautiful exchanges as, “I’ll sell you my soul for a
shwill of that beer… and not the bottom part of the beer,
either…” to things as interesting as, “I really need to stop
killing people; this shit is really cutting in to my
schedule…” I’d make another item, not to forget your friends
and to always be there for them, but that’s a part of item #5.
Actually, to make sure I don’t forget…

Item #5. Sub-clause. Never forget… to be there for your
friends when they need you.

There have been some good friends, some bad friends, and not in
any way you might recognize. My best friend introduced me to
heroin, and that’s not why he’s my best friend. And, one of the
greatest friends I ever had (who I’d like to think was never my
friend), is now my worst enemy. It was because he sided with my
family members when they tried to have an intervention on my
drinking. I agreed to listen, so long as I could drink
Bacardi… and so long as someone else was paying for it. That
fucker. He was all like, “I don’t think that’s a good idea that
you drink at all.” It was his disagreement to Bacardi, his
opposition that gave my family more negotiating leverage. I
finally did make a deal for a six-pack of generic beer, in
exchange for listening time. But still, if I could have gotten a
bottle of Bacardi, that would have been the coolest intervention
of my life. And for that reason, Joe-Bob-Bill (whatever) is now
my worst enemy. This, devoted and trusting reader, brings me to
my next item.

Item #6. Never forget… to completely distrust your family.

There are a few sub-clauses, amendments, and “what if”
altercations that come along with this item, but I’m sure that
I’ll be able to fully recall them all if I ever need this list
of things to remember for advice. I don’t really know what the
situation is, you know, different cultures all around the globe
with different values and different family relationships, and
the way people even in America have learned to evolve and change
things. I really do think that your family’s implied impressions
of you can truly take a very degenerating toll on your mind. For
so long, you’ve been at their mercy. Prejudices, bigotry,
hatreds, loves, inadequacies expressed through rage and
violence… All of this is passed to you, not just by genes (if
by genes at all), but by the way your family acted and behaved
when you were just a young tot. I’ve come to the very clear
conclusion that your family cannot be trusted. The natural,
mental process, the one that tells you to always respect and
honor your parents’ opinion, you have to interject that with,
“They’re lying to you.” It needs to become instinct. So, when
you get something like, “I think you have a drinking problem,”
your conscience needs to react: “They’re lying to you.” Then,
you can reply, “Drinking problem? I call this a drinking
solution. Ha! I made you look stupid.” This instinct needs to
act like a filter. So, you can hear a family member say, “Hey,

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