Okay so I revised part of my chapter.?

Question by DarʞWaʌer: Okay so I revised part of my chapter.?
This will now be Chp 2 because it doesn’t sound like a Chp 1 even though I don’t have a Chp 1 yet. I used the helpful views and revised this thing. Hopefully it sounds better. So let the Critiquing Begin!
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Chapter 2
The music blared with deafening sound throughout the club as I tried to make my way through the cluster of people. There were tons of half-drunk people grinding up against others they barely knew, but that obviously didn’t stop them from anything. It kind of disgusted me in a way to see how desperate oneself could get when they were alone with nobody to care for. I had only been here for a while, and my search for my sister had just began.
“Hey gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?” the man glanced towards his friends and smiled.
“Me? Thanks, but no thanks I’m with my sister.”
His friends started to snicker in a way that made me think that this had always happened to the guy. Why did he have to look so cute but look like an alcoholic? I didn’t let it bother me though, for the music made me feel more alive than ever. My eyes wandered around trying to find Claire, my sister; she was nowhere in sight though.
Suddenly I felt a tap on my shoulder which had startled me. It was the man from before who I had said no to. My heart started to pound faster with every second while I tried to figure out why he came back. Was he stalking me, or was he actually that interested in me to not let me go? My voice was lost unable to speak a sound, for my body was too scared to stay in control.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to buy you a drink?” the man gave me a serious look.
“I’m sorry but I’m looking for my sister.”
“Then maybe I can help you find her and buy you a drink?”
“Maybe. I am bored and claustrophobic…so maybe you could help guide me through this hoard of civilians.”
“Haha, maybe I could be a big help.”
I didn’t feel so scared anymore knowing that I had someone by my side. Then the music started blasting louder than it had before. I had been dazzled by the man unable to say no to his smile. His hazel eyes and golden brown hair didn’t match the tone of his skin. The crowd of people seemed to close in on us; the man took my arm which had startled me and led me to a less crowder space. I nudged his arm off of me slowly looking at him.
“My name’s Zachary.” he said confidently.
“Anna.”
Then there was utter silence as we tried to find my sister. Even though he didn’t know what my sister looked like, I still wanted him to help me through this treacherous place. We glanced over at each other from time to time without words to speak. Then, out of the corner of my eye I thought I seen Claire; it wasn’t her though, only someone who looked like her.
” I need to go to the bathroom, and no I’m not ditching you.” I scurried over to the bathroom.
” Okay I’ll wait right here for you.”
I gave him a thoughtful look hoping that he took it as a stay-right-there look. I really did need to go though, but I also wanted some time to cogitate. I opened up the fourth stall, and as I did I saw the most worst, terrifying thing ever. There she was with blood dripping down her elegant dress. Claire.

Best answer:

Answer by sexypizza
well its good as a story, but the way you pace it needs some work like for example, the guy she is with at first i thought he was some sort of creep out to get her, but then a moment later he is helping her find her sister? that was kind of weird how they just became friends like that all of a sudden.

and some of the things the characters say does not make since too.

but its still very good you describe the story very well, im sure it will be really good when your done with it, and i would love to read the rest of it.

a word of warning: beware those who give you fake praise in the hopes of getting a best answer. they usually say something like this

“omg your story is so awesome !!! did you write this !! please tell me where i can read more bla bla bla”
i see so many here on authors and books its ridiculous.

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