Need advice on how to handle my dad’s odd behavior. Passive aggressive and hoarding junk?
Question by Obamas Shoes: Need advice on how to handle my dad’s odd behavior. Passive aggressive and hoarding junk?
My 78 yo dad grew up in the Depression and has pretty always held onto things that did not have much further use “Just in case”. Now we are finally cleaning up his junk, but he still will not throw some items away. Things like a 40 year old vacuum cleaner with no hose, musty jackets, broken umberellas, rusty pots and pans, worn belts, sweaters with holes in them, damaged plastic toys and other damage/old goods. He insists on taking them to the Salvation Army and other donation sites, even though I’ve told him they don’t want this kind of junk. So instead he goes by when they are closed and drops it off on their doorstep in front of a big sign that says “All items must be brought in” When I throw things out like this he goes through the garbage and picks it out, and sometimes he gets anger at me for throwing out something that could be fixed, Most of the junk are things his tenants left behind. The Salvation Army will not take things like moldy baby strollers or crutches so he stores them.
He is hoarding very odd things too. He has a big bottle of rock salt even though he doesn’t use it and he has been saving charcoal brickettes even though he has no grill. Stress seems to make him worse for what he saves. I’ve gotten him to put most of the junk into a storage unit we own, but he refuses to say he has a problem and takes it personally when I throw something out that he thinks has value. He says it is a waste and he has to pay for throwing things out. We pay $ 3 per garbage can of trash so he is getting mad over pennies.
His being penny-wise, pound foolish has really hurt his ability to get good tenants in. He won’t replace 20 year old worn out carpets and then the only people who take the apartments don’t pay rent. Instead of fixing something right, he puts patches on things and it looks like hell. He never upgrades the apartments and we could be getting about 50% more rent if we could charge more and keep the apartments full.
My dad does want his junk cleaned up, but I feel like I’m enabling wrong behavior when he makes me save something for the Salvation Army for him, when I know they do not want this junk.
Any advice on how to handle the situation?
Best answer:
Answer by sweetheart
I can say there’s a lot of people like your dad, so he is not alone. You can sort through his things and make a throw away pile a give away pile and anyone can take what they want pile. For further items that may come into the household, throw away clutter immediately! As for the carpet, you may need to find out how much a new one will cost first and then using constructive criticism tell him it needs to be upgraded for the better to be able to rent to tenants who will pay the rent and who keep up the property. I don’t want to sound bad but if he isn’t willing to give up the clutter start eliminating it yourself discreetly. He might thank you for it later when he sees how organized and immaculate his property is. Stay on top of things, let him know how the property makes you feel in the present condition. I can understand how he feels also, he grew up in a time of depression and it really was bad because people lost their jobs, homes, food,etc. a lot of them didn’t even have a place to lay their head at night, so be empathetic to him but also firm that this stuff has got to go. Make it a project and do it together as a family and have a barbecue afterwards. He would probably enjoy that and while you are at it take a before and after picture, and frame it. I hope this helps you and him, just be considerate to his feelings. Some of the stuff may be sentimental, so while you are putting out the boxes separating things, make them equal size. Keep, throw, give, donate. Best to you both. I lost my dad of 78 yrs. and I would give everything I owned to have him back, so be easy on him, I know it’s hard sometimes when our parents think one way and we think another, so make sure he’s okay with the idea before hand, so you both will feel good with the decision that is made.
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