Men and Sex Addiction: The Eroticization of Depression
written about the use of grandiosity to ward off shame. This flight from shame into grandiosity lies at the heart of sex addiction. The excitement of sex, the “erotic haze”, the orgasm, the identification with “perfect” men in internet pornography — lifts the man out of depression and the state of shame into a state of powerfulness, eradicating unwanted feelings as surely as a few martinis do for the alcoholic.
One thing that distinguishes the sex addict from the non-addict is the use of sex as a substitute for self-esteem. The difference between normal and addictive use of sex is the difference between an already adequate sense of self-esteem and desperately shoring up an inadequate one. Nondepressed men turn to sex for relaxation, intimate sharing and fun.
Depressed men turn to sex for relief from distress. Sexual acting out is a magic elixir, transforming shame into grandiosity and moving him from a sense of helplessness to a sense of omnipotent control. The feelings associated with depression vanish with the experience of having an inordinate powerful sense of self.
When the awareness of a pattern of sexual addiction and the very painful consequences becomes clear, the addict may begin to seek treatment. Most sex addiction therapists recommend a behavioral way of curtailing the sexual acting out and the acceptance of a recovery program.
In therapy, the addict is likely to experience strong feelings about the consequences of his acting out. The secret life is unveiled revealing affairs, exhibitionism, voyeurism, masochism or other behaviors comprising a particular sex addict’s modus operandi of sexual deviance. The real story about men, sexual acting out and depression is as complex as each of the wounded souls who enter treatment (or remain out of it). The impact of depression and sexual deviance on each of them is enormous.
In treatment, the addictive defense must be confronted and stopped. Then, the hidden pain emerges as depression, and underneath the depression lies childhood trauma. It is only when these traumas are worked through that there can be true freedom from addictive slavery. Only after the shame cycle has stopped, after the addictive pattern has been broken and the person has moved into “recovery” can the pain of hidden depression be addressed and resolved.
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