I need to talk to my husband today – can you HELP me – drugs – it’s a LONG one – sorry?

Question by Maggie: I need to talk to my husband today – can you HELP me – drugs – it’s a LONG one – sorry?
I posted a question earlier about this but I have new info since then. Long story short my husband used to do drugs (before I met him), stopped, was clean for 9 yrs, recently relapsed, I found out, he agreed to go to the methadone clinic, lasted 3 days, relapsed again but lied the whole time about it, disappeared often, pretended to get up & go to the clinic, finally admitted it & started methadone all over again. His wedding present to me was getting clean & he’s been doing great for 3 months. However this past week he started disappearing again for hours & always has an excuse.

He gave me his phone to use for the day & I spied. I found numerous calls to a guy I don’t know & all the calls were made at the times he couldn’t account for. I was confused but since posting that question I found part of a baggy in my bathroom (heroin) so now I know. Here’s the problem. He is the love of my life, I’m the only one who knows about the relapse & agreed to keep it between us b/c his brother & friends in recovery would freak if they found out, he felt extreme guilt & shame the last time this happened, he promised to tell me if it happened again, he WAS a sponsor to other men with addictions for 9 yrs, he’s like a little boy that’s doing something bad & I can see he’s afraid to tell me. I want to help him & I don’t know how to approach this.

I knew that he was lying again about going to methadone b/c his timing was getting later & later every day & I know when they stop issuing the methadone. So he just came up to me & said he has to go to methadone but he’s mad about it b/c it takes away from our mornings together & that’s his favorite time. He was waiting for me to tell him he could skip a day but I just stayed quiet. So he left on his fake trip to the clinic. I feel bad that he’s out there driving around right now pretending to be there when he really just wants to be home. I don’t know what to do. I love him so much & I know that the drug use is hurting him & hurting his self esteem much more than it’s hurting me.

How should I approach this? I need to talk to him. I don’t want to embarrass him but I feel I have the right to be angry that I’m being lied to all the time. If I didn’t know better I could have thought he was cheating when he was gone & it’s not right for him to put me in that position. Should I just tell him I spied on his phone & saw the baggy? He threw it away really fast. He’ll be mad but what else am I supposed to say? That I just have a gut feeling? Then he’ll just lie more. What should I do? I’m really stressed out.

Best answer:

Answer by Allison, aka Nice Lady
Addicts lie. They don’t do it because they don’t love you. They do it because it’s in their nature. It doesn’t matter how much you cry, scold, or threaten.

I see no mention of children. Try to support him cleaning up, but be prepared to file if this turns south.

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