I need to get out of a sick, abusive relationship, yet I stay…I need help!!!?

Question by Michelle M: I need to get out of a sick, abusive relationship, yet I stay…I need help!!!?
I’ve been abused all my life…emotional, sexual, physical,…I’m 43, and I’m a recovering addict, yet I’m on methadone…(another result of staying in this sick relationship).
In my past, I’ve had nothing but terrible abusive relationships. If they failed at life, I did too. I was and am, nothing but a pathetic follower…I know this..I have no self esteem…strength..hope.
but I know that I can’t go on like this anymore. He’s very abusive, verbally and emotionally. I cry everyday, and I walk on egg shellss everyday. I try to talk to him, but he just gets angrier, and more abusive. I know that I should leave. (it’s his house..and I have no where to go. I’m on disability, and only get $ 240 dollars a month. I pay $ 700 in child support to my ex husband who has my grown children…ages 17, 18 and 21…yet I’m still paying.
I have zero friends.
I was in that marriage for years, and it was abusive, and I was in recovery then, until his constant abuse and drug use, I ended up using drugs too. I finally left him..homeless with no where to go, I did it..I went to meetings, and got my life together…but I had no more feelings for him, and I was so scared of using again…I truthfully just transfered my attraction to another loser of a man…and went on a year of dating losers…but in all that time, I was still getting my life together. I lived in my first own apartment, and was going to meeting, and working. I even got my driver’s liscense and got a car..I had a bank acct. and I was ok. I had so much support and friends….then I met this loser..
God, I’ve never been so miserable in all my life!
I stopped meetings, lost friends, no bank acct. no car, no job..on disability….no support. no where to go. I can go to a shelter…but I don’t deserve that.
even though in the beginning we had fun, and thought I was in love again..deep inside, I knew I was settling…but he used to try…but I always knew I was stupid….from very on the beginning, he cheated…and I knew he was no good. I knew that I deserved so much more. What I don’t understand is why am I so sick that I keep doing the same things…choosing the same type of man. It’ what I am used too….it’s pathetic.
Now, I just want to run away.
I don’t want to be here at all anymore
I’ve even been looking for answers anywhere.
and looking to just up and pack and leave, and jump on a bus to no where, and see where life leads me. But I don’t have the money and I have kids..that I love with all my heart. They are all I have.
They know a very little of what I am going through. No body really does, I don’t have anyone.
so I keep it all locked inside.
He abuses me if I cry,
he mocks me
he treats me as if my feelings don’t matter
he’s a sick bastard
and I am starting to hate him.
I don’t want to.
but I do
but just so there’s some kind of peace here, I am stupid, I cater to him…and walk around on egg shells all day…not knowing when he’s going hurt me again, with his actions and words. He knows exactly what buttons to push, and I always rise to the occasion…and all this does is make me more angrier at myself.
I’m tired of crying
I’m so pathetic
I need help

Best answer:

Answer by Jess M
a shelter though you don’t want to, may be a starting point.

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