How to Be Supportive of a Mate Who Has Been Sexually Abused or Assaulted
How to Be Supportive of a Mate Who Has Been Sexually Abused or Assaulted
Sexual abuse or assault is arguably the most psychologically damaging occurrence that can happen in a person’s life. The profound impact of the person abused can be seen in one or all of the following symptoms:
Mild, moderate or severe sexual dysfunction, eating disorders, personality and mood disorders, social phobias, intimacy and trust issues, obsessive compulsive disorder, low self esteem, and a variety of different addictions, just to list a few.
But not much has been discussed about the effects sexual abuse has on the people who fall in love with a mate who has been sexually abused or assaulted.
The object of this article is to understand your mate and yourself better – while helping each other heal from the effects of sexual abuse and assault.
We’ve touched on the painful impact sexual abuse could have on your mate, but what about you?
Here are a few examples of what you may be experiencing:
1. You may feel rage against the person who abused your beloved, which can at times affect your peace of mind, ability to concentrate, or sense of overall well being.
2. You may have overwhelming feelings of empathy for the pain your mate went through, and you may feel powerless, because there is nothing you can do to take the pain away. (There are not enough hugs and kisses in the world to make it go away completely, but it helps!)
3. You may be directly affected by your mate’s behavior patterns sexually, mentally and emotionally.
Here are several ways to be supportive of your mate who has been affected by abuse:
1. Realize your mate is not a victim who needs your pity. As a matter of fact, the exact opposite is true. Your mate has survived the effects of abuse and has a tremendous amount of strength. So, treat your mate as the strong, capable and resilient person that they are.
2. Respect your mates “odd” requests, even if they don’t make sense to you. If your mate gets the creeps when she feels facial hair brush against her chin while kissing, it could be the same feeling she experienced from her perpetrator, and it could trigger a flashback. Therefore, you may want to shave before approaching her with a kiss.
The same holds true for touching certain areas of the body, such as the throat or inner thighs. Or even the kind of touch you give may be uncomfortable for your mate, who may feel uneasy with a light and breezy touch – or the sensation of a powerful grab.
Another example is about a good friend of mine who was sexually abused. She always covers up with a blanket at night, no matter how hot or cold it is inside. She leaves the television on while sleeping at night because if it is too silent, she will have nightmares about the abuse that happened years ago. If my friend is like your mate, and you need to have complete silence and darkness while you sleep, consider ear plugs and a mask to put over your eyes. Or maybe your mate can wear headphones. Make a list of these “odd” or “quirky” details about your mate – and make a conscious decision to be sensitive to those needs, no matter how irrational they may seem to you.
3. Always respect your mate’s personal boundaries. The tragic consequence of sexual abuse is the aggressive disregard of personal boundaries. This can range from accepting, “No” as an answer for sexual advances – to accepting, “No” as an answer to borrowing your mate’s personal belongings. Your mate needs you to honor their boundaries in as many ways as possible, without whining, arguing or sulking.
4. Do not ask your mate probing questions about the abuse, even if you are the closest person to them in the world. The experience is too painful for them to go into explicit details about. Your mate may feel an overwhelming sense of shame about the abuse, even though it was never their fault. Also, if nobody believed your mate when they came forward with information about the abuse, or worse, if they were blamed for it, or accused of lying, it makes the pain far greater than anyone who has not suffered this form of treatment can imagine. However, if your mate volunteers information about what happened, you can make eye contact and quietly listen. You can also send non-verbal messages, such as putting your arms around your mates shoulder or holding their hand.
When your mate finishes talking, thank them for trusting you enough to share (Because that was a HUGE step for them!) Also, explain you will always be available to listen, if they want to share again. You may also offer to go to counseling or a support group with your mate. However don’t advise your mate to go. Just explain you trust that they know what is best for them, and that you intend to support them 100%, regardless of what decision is made.
5. Not everyone who has been sexually abused gets offended by sex jokes, dirty talk, or playful name calling. But if your mate is a person who
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