How Did I Get Into This Mess?

How Did I Get Into This Mess?

Oh boy!  Are you in a mess?  Do you know how you got there… or how to get out of it?

 

People get caught in all sorts of unworkable romantic relationships and then try to straighten out what was never meant to be.  These untenable situations cause stress, guilt, and depression.  Every day, I talk with people who are suffering and struggling.  They start off wanting to work it out; eventually, they want to get out; and most of all, they want some sort of resolution.

 

What can cause you to get into a mess?  And what can you do about it?  Here are some main themes:

 

Getting away from the family

An unhappy, oppressive, or abusive family can drive you into the arms of someone because it seems to offer an escape—or what appears to be a better alternative.  One example is, if your parents divorced.  If they remarry, you may not feel entirely welcome or at home with either of them.  With a sense of “nowhere to go,” you may try to create your own family by marrying too soon, too “safe” (someone who won’t leave you), or too idealized.  Your projections of what you think your partnership is going to be will probably never meet your expectations.  How can you prevent this? By creating your own home for yourself first.  Gather a “family” of trusted friends and make your own safe place to be.

 

Falling into chemistry – instead of into love

Physical attraction is often immediate in urgency and overpowers your knowing voice that may be trying to warn you:  “This isn’t right for you.”  Chemistry is a rush but it will dissipate if you don’t have a commitment of monogamy, joined with equality, values, respect, kindness, and maturity.  Love lasts when you have all those qualities.  What can you do? Know that chemistry can be fleeting.  Be brave enough to walk away when things are showing up between you and your partner that are danger signs like addictions, abuse, and lack of dependability.

 

Not understanding how to date

You will get yourself in a mess if you don’t have some dating savvy.  If you fall into a marriage with the first person you date, you are stuck with whomever that person turns out to be—good or bad.  You can work on compromises, going along with things, keeping your mouth shut, and a dozen other behaviors in order to have the marriage survive— but in the end, if your values are too far apart, you will be in a mess.  What can you do? Make a concerted effort at learning some dating skills.  When you’re ready to date, consider the requirements you need for a relationship to work for you.  List the top ten qualities you can’t live without.  What’s at the top of most peoples list?  Fidelity.  Start there.

 

Choosing someone for superficial wants

There can be a fine and confusing line between what you think you must have—and what is a requirement.  You may want a big house and car and pool, but consider what those things represent to you?  Safety?  Status?  Importance?  Yes, it’s nice to have comforts and toys, but not at the cost of your humanity, personal freedoms, and integrity.  Accumulated goods can be blinding if you haven’t solved the puzzle of how to take care of yourself.  What can you do? Look to see what those superficial markers mean to you on a deeper level.  You can achieve economic security, respect, and safety without making a bad marriage bargain.  You can earn what you need, take better care of what you already have, and build relationships with people who admire your humanity more than your pocket book.

 

Choosing someone to make you happy

Are you lonely, scared, or depressed?  Would you like to meet someone who would fulfill all your needs and take the pain away?  If you fall into a relationship for any of the above reasons, you will be guaranteed to fall into a mess.  No one can eliminate your misery.  Lots of people may want to try—

especially if you are beautiful, rich, or magnetic.  Someone may think that if they love you enough and calm your fears, you will be undyingly grateful, never leave, and live happily-ever-after.  But it never works that way. What can you do? Get yourself some “inside” help before you start dating.  Then you won’t be vulnerable to the illusion that someone else can solve your issues.

 

If you recognize yourself in any of the above descriptions and you are still single, you can avoid the pitfalls and be mess-free.  If you are currently in a mess, take heart.  Messes can always be cleaned up.  It just takes a little work.