From a loser to a winner? (long but plz guys and girls help needed)?

Question by Parsa K: From a loser to a winner? (long but plz guys and girls help needed)?
I am 17 and most girls I know, know me as a “sweet, good, nice guy”. My best friend is what you can call a “bad ***”. Together, we are both “badass” at sports and fighting, but I tend to care a lot more for girls. I do have to admit that in a “movie” sense, I would be the “sweetheart” and he would be the “bad boy”. I would listen to a girls problems and give support, and try my best to make them feel like the only girl in the room . He wouldn’t do anything like that. He seems to get more “attention” though. I want some love too. Now the first girl I ever love is a close friend ,but I don’t know what she thinks about me back. I think she is perfect for me, every girl I see has “dimmed down” in appearance to her and I really like her personality. She isn’t “popular” and has the same ring of friends I do. She wrote in my b-day card, ” I can’t believe someone like me ever met someone like you”. According to my friend, That’s just a trick for me to be a cushion to the girl for her problems and that she would use me and never look at me the way I want her to. I trust him because he has always been “successful” with girls. I was the straightedge, funny, “ok looking” , bad dancer, caring guy with good grades and he was the good-looking, party animal, good dancer, drinking,smoking doing drugs , treating girls badly, and failing classes. We are the closest friends imaginable as we always helped each other out since we were 4. I wanted to have a girl like me so I went to my friend for help. He grinned and promised to help me out with the girl I like. He said girls only like “badasses” and that I have to become one. his idea: ” You are a loser now , not a “badass” like me so if you want to be a winner to them you need to do everything I say “His idea was that girls only like nice guys when they have had all their fun with 50 “badasses” are used up, no longer young and want to “use” the nice guy for financial purposes only, not love. He said ” You don’t want that do you? You actually want to be somebody right?”. He made a lot of sense. He helped me lose 60 pounds, get a 4pak (working on six), learn how to fight, drugs,alcohol and teach me HIS etiquette with girls. We would stay up til 3-4 am doing exercises (crunches,laps, pushups. and drilling exercises such where he taught me to treat girls badly and . Many of the girls I used to be friends with missed the “old me”. My friend said that they “missed using you, none of them would actually like the ‘sweetheart’ you”. He said that he was right and with reason . Girls I never knew started to like me. I felt bad for losing my morals and my identity, but I finally had the thing I wanted the most, some actual affection. Will doing all this stuff be better than me being the “good” guy that I used to be? I don’t have the patience to wait15 years , and be , according to my friend, “used” as a “financial scratchpost” and an “accessory” to a girl who is “done”, according to my friend.
I have never had confidence in who I was. It seemed like no girl liked me, and I didn’t think of myself as successful. The girl who made the card, I told her she is beautiful (my way of giving a hint) and she was shocked(she said her parents didn’t even think that). I helped her out when she was down just because that’s what i usually do, but I started to like her more than others. I really l like her. I gave her compliments because she also has low -self esteem.My friend made it seem like “I am not good enough for agirl,” so i started to say that every morning when i got up. When i fail at something, I beat myself up and have done that every day because my friend (through his success with girls) showed me that I ain’t worth s***. The girl I like never saw the “bad***” me because I wasn’t ready to show her. I am thinking about it. Don’t give cliches that you know aren’t true,and don’t just say “Get confidence” because I tried the positive thoughts, working out etc and it did not work

Best answer:

Answer by Houyhnhnm
You should be smart enough to follow your “friend’s” arguments and behaviors to their logical conclusions. First of all, how many men over 30 who smoke, drink a lot, and do drugs are still in great physical condition? Not too many. And the greatest natural athlete in the world won’t be in good shape at 50 after 33 years of smoking, drinking, and drugs. He also argues that it’s impossible to have a meaningful long-term relationship because young women are tricking and using nice guys and having a series of flings with a**es, and older women are incapable of loving because all they’re after is money. Is this your idea of a successful emotional life, a series of heartless short flings and then when you’re “used up” to live alone the rest of your life? And speaking of arguments, does he have any evidence that every married couple over age 45 is a loveless arrangement with every wife leaching off her husband?

Just because the two of you have been together for 13 years doesn’t mean you’re friends. There’s something called growing apart. You had a set of values, maybe still do, and he chose radically different values. When that happens in an adult relationship or friendship, they get a lot less close. If one person started playacting or adopting destructive behavior in order to keep the relationship/friendship, it would be diagnosed as a psychological problem. That’s the sort of thing 12-year-olds do as a way to find their identity, but not healthy adults.

If you “come out” as an a** with the girl you like, if she’s at all mentally healthy she will be appalled and repelled. If she accepts you as an a**, then what will you do? Sit around waiting for her to betray you, or will you hurt her first so she can’t hurt you?

Finally, you should have figured out by now that your “friend’s” self-esteem is probably lower than yours, he’s just good at hiding it from himself with bluster and cynicism. A winner builds self-esteem by accomplishing things, like getting an education, starting a business, even something as mundane as buying a house. A loser spends his life compensating for not having it. Racism is one way, gaudy displays of wealth is another, showing off muscles is another. Your “friend” seems to have chosen hatred of women as one compensation, sort of a variation on racism.

What do you think? Answer below!