Entrepreneurship: a Tool for Breaking the Domestic Abuse Cycle
Entrepreneurship: a Tool for Breaking the Domestic Abuse Cycle
PHILIPSBURG – Developing home-based businesses can help to break the cycle of domestic abuse, says Nerissa Golden an entrepreneur and motivational speaker. She believes that if more women are financially capable of caring for themselves and their family, they have more options available for leaving or choosing not to enter an abusive relationship.
The mother of four said being able to work from home and earn an income allowed her to walk away from an abusive marriage in 2005.
“It takes two people to have an abusive relationship. You agree to be the victim by not walking away the first time you are hit, threatened or insulted in the same way they choose to practice verbal, psychological, and physical abuse,” she said.
“The first advice given is always to leave and you should, the minute the abuse happens. But as statistics show, women will leave and return up to nine times before staying out for good. The longer you stay in, the harder it can be to walk away. You have children to deal with, utility bills, bank loans, immigration issues in many cases and a myriad of other complications. Having access to your own income can greatly increase your ability to get out and stay out,” she explained.
Golden admits that leaving an abusive relationship is more than just about finances, the emotional work of rebuilding self-esteem and breaking the fear factors are important to survival and peace of mind. “Sometimes we trade one abusive mate for another, so we need to understand the reasons we signed up for the abuse in the first place. You have to be ready to be honest with yourself and then make a decision that you can live with.”
For Golden, growing up in a Christian home as the daughter of a bishop, getting married seemed the best way to deal with an unplanned pregnancy and reduce the fear of reprisals from family and church. “I felt as if I had done an unforgivable thing and thought marriage was the solution. Even when I realized that the relationship was not a healthy one I was too afraid to leave. I also felt that if I worked harder at fixing the flaws he pointed out, things would work out. And of course I was a Christian so how could I leave?”
Over the six years of her marriage, finances were a constant sore point and she was continuously made to feel small because she was not earning. “I had a college degree and had well paying jobs since leaving high school at 15, but the choice to focus on raising my child while he worked was filled with highs and lows. When things were great it was ok to be a Stay at Home Mom but whenever he was out of work or just stressed financially I was not pulling my weight in the relationship.”
Frequent moves every nine months to a year also hampered her ability to find steady employment. “We were racking up debt and our family was growing, it became harder and harder to leave,” admits the former journalist.
After months of depression from not finding steady work in the UK, where the couple had relocated from Montserrat in 2004, Nerissa took a job with a temp agency. “I must have sent out 100 resumes even interviewed with the BBC at one point and still nothing. My self esteem was in the toilet and I was also homesick for the Caribbean and my family. I needed to get out of the house, I had to do something. I had not been a secretary since I was 16 but I typed letters and made coffee in a psychiatric hospital which gave me time to clear my mind and make decisions about what I wanted out of my life. It also gave me time to pray and ask for the courage to live with my decisions and to stop refusing God’s mercy and love.”
“When I made the decision to leave, not just the UK but my marriage, the depression lifted and I began to see light at the end of the tunnel. It was crazy even thinking about it but I knew when my contract ended with the agency I could not go back, they paid me 150 pounds a week and I was paying the sitter 140. I knew that I needed to be able to stay with the children and work at the same time.”
Luckily a project Nerissa had bid on while on Montserrat finally came through and she was able to stay home and build websites and handle publicity for several government-related agencies. “It brought immense peace of mind and rebuilt my confidence that I could survive on my own. Working and earning an income definitely gave me more options for the future.”
Dr. Anita Davis-DeFoe, host of the weekly radio show, Soulfully Speaking on CaribVoice Radio, and an empowerment columnist for She Caribbean Magazine (St. Lucia), has seen far too many women caught up in unhealthy relationships, as well as vicious circles dominated by domestic violence and mistreatment.
“What Nerissa Golden describes happens to countless women, but sadly unlike Nerissa, far too many women do not discover their
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