Does This Story Sound Like One You’d Like To Read? Why?
Question by Missin: Does This Story Sound Like One You’d Like To Read? Why?
On a day regular like the many I’d lived through, I noticed an opportunity I knew I would later call myself a fool for having missed. It was like an ethereal vision you can only see in a dream. One about your best fantasy or perhaps about what you’ve lost that, by the coincidental order of your daily events, makes it appear still yours. She was right there, maybe a few inches to the left but certainly in the same vicinity as mine. Late afternoon, that’s what had me wonder whether she’d fallen into one of the seats there from fatigue or it was her favorite position to drink alcohol beverages. From a stranger’s prospective she had the impression of a prostitute after a dozen clients, and her half-way-opened-zipped jeans did register that assumption. She held a glass filled with Vodka by the handle and tilted it almost all the way down to take a sip, though it seemed to be slipping right through her fragile-nailed- adorned fingers. Within seconds, she found herself drenched with alcohol, looking down to watch the shattered glasses clinking on the wooden floor as the droplets paved their way across her pale neck down her deep cleavage, percolating idly between the breasts to leave a smooth look of moisture on them. I gawped at the display of her sticking her tongue out to lick the drops left of her drink around her lips, gesturing me towards her as she did so. I complied with these signs, dragged backward one of their seats besides her and sprawled on it the way she suddenly did when I got this close.
“So… you like it here?” I mumbled out of confusion. It was a failed attempt to take my eyes off her protruding, sweaty- like boobs.
“…well with guys like you, how could I not?” she responded with a grin which immediately brought a lascivious smirk to my face. She took that as a yes to the query she hadn’t asked me yet, though could already guess, by my latest facial expression, what my response to that would be, which also encouraged her to go on with cajoling, I supposed, some bucks out of me.
“So what you’re drinking?” I questioned, trying to estimate, by the amount of alcohol her chosen drink would contain, my chances of getting laid tonight. “Well I was about to drink my Vodka but…” She glanced down at the tiny broken glasses remaining of her glass after the rest had been swept away.
“Oh, I’m sorry I can buy you another one….” I offered voluntarily, scrabbling for my wallet in my skinny jeans and pulling it out by one of the frayed fabrics.
“Thanks” She said, rising slightly from her seat as she craned her neck towards the pendulous menu board ahead, squinting to read the microscopic letters engraved on it. I peeked at her, snickering sheepishly at her attempt to make out what was written there. As an average guy to whom ladies like her don’t approach very often, I fought against the urge to be a gentleman, and instead, decided to enjoy such a view just like any straight guy would do in this situation.
“Um, can you read the menu hanged over there?” She asked after a few minutes, which to me felt like seconds. “Damn” I whispered mostly to myself, and then claimed I’d forgotten my spectacles.
“Oh, that’s a pity…” She signed, letting the misfortune take over her more than a person whose own was over the loss of his parent would, still sitting up as if trying to desperately read the freaking menu.
“Perhaps…” I began, reminding myself that being nice to her might pay off in the end, “I’m glad this bar’s too isolated to have waitresses” I mumbled under my breath, and continued “I guess I can offer you my help” and without a moment to spare or waiting for a positive nod, I stood behind her, caressing her back a bit as I crouched down on top of her and pretending to be barely seeing what was written over there.
You can also rate my English on the scale of 1-10 if you like … that would help a lot
Be honest please.
Best answer:
Answer by Joyce A
Honest Answer: No. I would not like to read the story. It’s stilted. The beginning is boring. It should start in immediate scene, with the girl sitting in the bar. There is a lot of narrative that really doesn’t add to the story or move the plot along. Many of the words and phrases you’ve used are superfluos, as if to impress the reader with vocabulary, like “pendulous menu with the microscopic letters engraved on it.” I’ve never seen an engraved menu. What happens if they want to change their prices or menu offerings? Do they have to pay for a new engraved menu?
Some of the adjectives you’ve used are not necessary, such as “skinnny” jeans and pulling it out by “one of the frayed fabrics”. That doesn’t make sense, even if you used “one of the frayed edges.”
You could cut this by half and it would be a lot better. It doesn’t move fast enough.
It doesn’t appear as if you proofread your work before you posted it. If you want honest feedback, your writing must be as perfect as you can get it. For example, in this sentence:
“Um, can you read the menu hanged over there?”
Is that really what your character said? Or did you mean, “Um, can you read that menu hanging over there?”
In real life, she probably would just nod or point to the menu and say, “Can you read that menu?
I can’t.” She might squint or lean forward as part of the action.
Some of the narration seems to have a sophisticated quality, such as this part of an awkward sentence:
go on with cajoling, I supposed, some bucks out of me.
Others parts are coarse, such as: freaking menu.
You’ve overdescribed in several places, such as: protruding, sweaty-like boobs. Either they’re sweaty or they’re not. They’re not “like” anything.
Work it, work it, work it, edit, edit, edit, and revise, revise, revise. You’ll have something better to offer. Right now, your story needs a lot of work. I only touched the tip of the iceberg. I didn’t “rip you a new one,” which I could have, with a searing critique.
A writer should never give up. He should continually strive to perfect the craft.
Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!
Chemical Dependence and Alcohol Help for New York – For the support and compion you need to begin recovery, turn to us. If you need help, New York residents, watch this video. No other model of drug and treatment has proven to be more flexible or effective! Our comfortable centers and supportive staff will help you. Learn what causes your drinking and how to make different decisions. Call us today for more information!
Blount voters cry fraud, say they did not sign petition to legalize alcohol sales
Filed under: alcohol help
HAYDEN — A petition circulating in Blount County in support of legalizing alcohol sales is stocked with bogus signatures, according to one man whose name appears on the list. “We're against it,” said Lanny Sartain of Hayden. “I'm a deacon in my church …
Read more on North Jefferson News
Northern Colorado to launch campaign aimed at student alcohol use
Filed under: alcohol help
Published: Monday, October 29, 2012. Updated: Monday, October 29, 2012 02:10. 10-29-Alcohol. Samantha Wyckoff | The Mirror. The Center for Peer Education regularly posts information to help educate the students on the effects of alcohol.
Read more on University of Northern Colorado The Mirror