Could my dad have killed himself (suicide), because of me?

Published May 17, 2010

I am only trying to get closure out of this because I can’t get answers from anyone else in my family, besides my grandma (mom’s mother). When I was 4, I met my dad for the first time. According to my grandma, it wasn’t because he was deadbeat, but because my mom didn’t tell him she was pregnant with me when she was 25. My dad was only 23. My mom confirms this. My mom is spiteful, and lying and has been in and out of treatment for drug and alcohol abuse since I was born. She told me the reason she didn’t tell him is because his family is from India, and because my dad was a foreigner she didn’t want to deal with all the religious, culture BS…etc. So my dad found out about me when I was one year old through a mutual acquaintance who showed pictures of me to my dad from the day I was born until I met him. My dad tried and tried to get to see me, but she (my mom) wouldn’t let him out of spite. Then my mom’s mother took the bull by the horns and invited him over to meet me when I was 3. I remember the day, because I totally rejected him and shoved him away. I remember him kneeling beside me while I was playing and fingering my hair and saying to my grandma, “She has my hair.” I didn’t really get the significance of him being my dad. I just thought he looked strange, and that I didn’t have any love or feelings for him. I didn’t like his looks. When he tried to hug me, I shoved him away. I remember my words to him plainly, “I don’t want you to be my daddy and I hope you die.” I was too little for it to register in my brain what his reaction to these words were, nor did I even care.
Because he came a long way from another state to see me, he stayed the night with us (my grandma and me). That night I remember
distinctly the sound of him sobbing in the next room. I laid awake and lilistened to that for awhile. Then the next thing I heard, was the sound of someone walking down the hall to the bathroom. I could hear the sound of someone puking. I got up and went to see, and he was sitting there on the floor with his head hanging over the toilet. He had been crying, and throwing up. I didn’t say anything, but it only made me dislike him even more. The next morning, he was gone. Apparently, he left my grandma a note thanking her for being so gracious and letting him see me. A couple of days later we learned his car ran off the side of a cliff on the way back home, and that he was dead.
I didn’t care, or give it a second thought. I can’t say that I really care now, but I am wondering why I have no feelings about it even now? I mean, why can’t I at least feel bad about it, or sad? In a way I am kind of glad he’s dead because I remember the feeling I got when I saw him the first time. How strange and foreign he looked. It would be nice to know if he really did kill himself, and was it because of my rejection of him. The only reason I wonder is because I have heard them speculating that it may have been a suicide. I still dont have much of a relationship with my mom because of her chemical abuse.
Therefore I cannot get any solid answers from her. But if it is true, it would have been for very selfish reasons he would have done it.

Could my dad have killed himself (suicide), because of me?

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