Alcohol and drug addiction. Help me?

Published May 15, 2010

I don’t really know what I want to ask… I am alone in fighting a battle with drugs and alcohol. I am soooo happy when I’m sober, good self esteem, people that love me, plenty of interests and things going for myself, so I am confused why I do this to myself. I have always had a wild streak, but its not okay anymore. I am 28 its time to be an adult.

I have ZERO self control. Once I have a drink, its on! I don’t stop drinking and then come the drugs… specifically cocaine.. or really anything you put in front of me, but usually its cocaine. It is really hard because of where I live, Huntington Beach. Everyone drinks and parties and its no big deal. But it crushes me… if I go out to dinner and have a couple drinks it turns into an all night thing, when my friends get up and go to work in the morning I keep going and going by myself! For days!

I am definitely an alcoholic, I drink in the middle of the night, I drink when I wake up in the morning. I just did my last line of coke and had to flush the rest so I would stop.. its not even fun, it doesnt make me happy, it doesnt make me feel good, the same goes for alcohol. But I do it anyways!!! I guess I am just self destructive. Why??? I recently graduated from an awesome University with a BA in Art and Education to be a high school art teacher. There are no jobs in my field right now so I bartend (its great money) but obviously a horrible job for an alcoholic.

I have told my dad about my drinking, he has had the same problem in the past, but he really isn’t there too much, amongst other things so he isn’t a very reliable sponsor. My mom knows I drink too much but she doesn’t know the extent (maybe a little in denial). I absolutely will not turn to her for support with this so please don’t mention turning to a family member. She has way too many other things to stress about! I have recently been more honest with my friends about it but they don’t see it as a serious problem :/ My roommate always restocks the bar after I drink his booze even though I have told him my problem.

What do I do? I don’t have the money for rehab. Any ideas of cheap places I can get away from everything and detox?
How do I gain self control? This is more about self control than addiction I think, because I don’t even enjoy it most of the time. Social drinking is fine, but the rest is so depressing. Feel free to bash me for this, maybe that’s what I need.. even though I’m pretty good at bashing myself about it!
Sorry I am rambling.. it’s the coke!

Alcohol and drug addiction. Help me?

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