How do I actively forgive my long-term abuser and also set a good example for him as a Christian and a person?

Question by cheesey 🙂: How do I actively forgive my long-term abuser and also set a good example for him as a Christian and a person?
my dad is a violent, abusive, very dangerous drug addicted alcoholic. i was abused in almost every way. (he never raped me, but was as sexually inappropriate as a father can get w/o actual rape, he also said it was my fault when as a 9 year old my neighbor tried to molest me.) the last time i saw him away from public view, i was nine months pregnant with my first son and he tried to run my car off the road. he’s had an unbelievable number of “i’m sorry, i’ve changed, my life is right now, i am a new man,” and he has never EVER been sincere. as a child he tried to convince me no one loved me and wouldn’t allow me to love anyone that he didn’t…including my mom. i have 4 brothers and sisters (the actual number is debatable) and all my siblings have been, belong in, or are in jail, rehab, juvenile lock-up, and coming soon, prison. I am the only one who didn’t go down that road. i don’t think i’m better than my family, i just think life is a string of choices that we make, and i didn’t want to be like them. early on, i trusted that God loves me and found some value in me. i clung to that because there wasn’t anyone else who loved me the right way, or enough of the right way to protect me.

my question is. As an adult…married to a wonderful husband with 2 children, i have moved 4 hours away from my dad. my children have not and will not meet him because i have a duty to them not to put that kind of person in their life. (they are 5 months and 4 years) i haven’t spoken to my dad in 4 years, except once by accident. i am not interested in incorporating Dad into my family life, but i want to know if i’m doing the right thing by cutting him off completely. he’s dangerous, but how to i actively forgive him and set an example for what his life could be like if he made better choices? i have forgiven him internally for the most part…it still hurts sometimes but i deal with it. i don’t need anything from him now that i’m a grown woman and now that i’ve dealt with the fact that he hurt me, i can’t change it and all i can do is not let it hurt me again. what would you do?
p.s. i’m not looking for an apology from him. i just know that he’s hurt everyone who has ever been in his life and no one cares enough about him as a human being to be an example to him. i just wondered if i am right to ignore him just because it is easier.

Best answer:

Answer by ψ ʃosh Aℓfred Φ
Trust should be earned. The more someone hurts you the less you should trust them, and if they say, “I have changed,” test them with small things, see if they can be trusted. If you can’t trust him, or already feel as if you should be through with him because of how he will influence you and the family, then you shouldn’t bother with forgiveness.

Apology, or the health of your family?

What consequences will come from each decision?

Which seem better?

I personally think you should stay away from the chaos. What you invite into your life will change your life for the better or for the worse. Being forgiving when some one hasn’t changed, is going to invite something you don’t want now in your life in the future.

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