Please Help Me-I’m Suffering!?

Question by Magundane: Please Help Me-I’m Suffering!?
Let me start off by saying I am a 31 year old gay male. Back in ’99 I met a man who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I loved this man very much, and we struggled and grew together in a relationship that a little after I got into, I found out that he used Crack. I tried to work with him with this issue, and interestingly enough he had a functional habit at that time.

About a year later we moved to another city because I had to attend grad school, and two months later he found out he was HIV positive. Unfortunately he did not tell me, and I became suspicious of him because his drug use became erratic and I could sense a distance. One night I snooped through his things and found a pill ( Sustiva ), and he confessed that he found out a month prior. I vowed to stay no matter his health status and we endured a very tumultuous 4 more years due to his inability to really cope with having HIV and my trust issues because of his failure to divulge the information freely to me. The stress took a toll on me and I flunked out of grad school after my first year. We ended up breaking up in February of 2004 and in October of that year, he died.

In October of 2005 actually the one year anniversary of my ex’s death, I met a man who I again thought would be the one for me. From day 2 he told me that he was HIV positive, and I guess harboring regrets from the previous relationship and being medically savy I did not let that deter me from a relationship with him as I am HIV negative. In addition, he also divulged that he was into Cocaine from the beginning. I guess I came into the relationship thinking that I would do everything right since I felt I failed in sticking in there for my ex who passed.

Our relationship was extremely bad-he stabbed and fought me, his fidelity was questioned ( I caught him twice in the beginning with memberships on Gay Sex websites and he had questionable dealings with his previous ex), he couldn’t keep a job, and he was immersed in the negative aspects of the homosexual subculture ( he’s in a “House”) We lived technically together uninterupted for about a year until I learned of him seeking to engage in an affair with someone else and we then broke up. Interestingly enough the breakup was never formalized, because I would allow him to always come back. Now we did that for the past couple of years up until the later part of last year.

Around last November, I decided to say goodbye to him and homosexuality and tried to live a celibate live. Shortly thereafter in January, a female friend who I have known for years pursued a relationship with me that ended in March.

After the relationship with the woman ended I saw him at a club one night, and true to form he was persistent in speaking to me. Roughly a week later we were back in a relationship, and I vowed then that THIS WAS THE LAST TIME I WOULD TRY TO MAKE THINGS WORK WITH HIM.

Interestingly enough our reconciliation at that time was the best time in our entire time of knowing one another. We had conversations about any and everything without problems unlike previously. We were even able to talk about our time apart since last October/November during which time he also started dating a much younger guy. He was maintaining himself at his place across town and had a job and he was also dealing drugs to augment his income.

Now enter the month of May, roughly around the beginning of last month, he began to stay out longer claiming that he was making transactions. Whereas we would be together everyday, we then began to see eachother every other day until finally it all subsided culminating in him completely not coming around during the Gay Pride Celebrations held here during Memorial Day weekend.

I would receive random texts and calls from him expressing his love for me however I vowed that I had enough. I was firm in my decision until last week when I decided to go out to the club and I saw his best friend. His best friend told me about some young guy who my lover is very chummy with, and how he suspects that they are involved. The friend went on to say that such behavior is public knowledge and that it has been going on since the beginning of May.

I immediately became angry and tried to contact my lover in the middle of the night and I even went to his house ( he never came out or answered the phone it was 3 in the morning.) I sent him a series of textes stating that I was going to do all of these devious things ( I have never done anything like this before.) He called me at 6 that morning and we talked about it, and he stated that his friend merely did that because the guy in question is someone who his friend wants to date however his attraction is not reciprocated.

Now since that time, he and I have been talking daily YET we are not in any type of way doing anything intimately. He came to my house Friday night and we talked for two hours and went to bed snuggled in eachother’s arms. During our co

Best answer:

Answer by Jody
Will you please resign from the “doormat” role.

You are so very codependent! 10 freaking lost years of suffering!

You’re absolutely obsessed with this guy and I know you know that. He’s no good for you and you know that. There is no trust and your crazy actions of jealousy are going to end up getting you in trouble with the law, text messages are used as evidence, Silly!

He’s the criminal and you’re the one headed either to jail or the nuthouse. You know these things too.
Are you feeling pretty crazy alot of the time. You’d ought to be, the whole situation is nuts.

Get hold of yourself, get the focus off him and back on you, do you need to see the knife again? You are as addicted to him as an alcoholic is to alcohol. It’s not good. You probably have anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder from all this.
You can’t ‘fix’ him or change him or force him to love you. You have to face the facts, you have to come back to reality. Your whole life is wasted thinking about him and he’s still out doing whatever he wants to do, it’s not love, you deserve better.

All you can do is change you and your attitudes. You could use some therapy, friend. At least save yourself.

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