My Mind Has a Mind of Its Own

Published May 25, 2010

The story revolves around my struggles with addiction, the life I did not choose to lead and where that lifestyle has led me. This story goes into the numerous facets of my life, including addiction and recovery, and personal history It is a compilation of my personal experiences to this point, paying attention to information I have been privileged to receive from God, 12 step recovery programs and friends.

I grew up in Oregon with my mom, step dad and younger sister. My mom and her husband at the time had their struggles. My step dad drank a lot and my mother was a very controlling individual with security issues of her own, and depression issues. Some where along the way growing up I felt like I didn’t fit in anywhere.

Rebellious Teenager

I loved movies and I loved role play. I idolized rockers, country rockers and the hard-core lifestyle they lived and I wanted to be apart of it. I would attend parties on the weekends and one thing led to another and I tried my first line of Cocaine when I was 15, some kids offered it to me at a party. I was curious about drugs, so it was an easy sale.

That one line of Cocaine started me on a path of getting high at school and drunk before. Classes, track practice and meets. It would interfere with my drug and drinking life. What I thought was normal behavior was not normal at all. I was out of control, addicted to drugs and in the midst of all this craziness I was so dependent on one good apple out of the bunch of Christian friends I had that as crazy as it sounds upon our graduation from high school I followed her to college in Boise, Idaho. What was strange at this point in my life was this move got me around strong minded individuals not only mentally, but physically and spiritually. The hidden message I realized later was this got my off the booze and the drugs. Yet my destructive, controlling, manipulative mind set; in addition to, my low self esteem still took me down a path of destruction.

Marriage, Children, and Divorce.

Since I quit the booze and drugs, my attitude never changed. I dropped out of college, had met a man seventeen years my senior with three boys of his own. We married, had three children of our own, and fought with one another very abusively. How any of us made it through the 10 year marriage without me drinking or drugging God only knows.

My Life on Cocaine & Alcohol, Later Heroin and Alcohol

After my marriage had failed, and full of guilt and shame all I wanted to do was hang out and get high – and I could never get high enough. Sometimes I would be up for days, using constantly. When I’d finally come down, I was totally depleted. I would barely get out of bed for weeks. I even tried to stay sober at one point or another. I got a job at a local janitorial service to support myself, but after a month I started using again. I couldn’t hold my job because I was too sick and too high to function.

I was living on the doorstep of death everyday, almost unknowingly because I had no idea how toxic and dangerous the chemicals were that I put in my body.

I lived wherever I could, in the woods, camping in tents or in trailers, even under tarps tied to two separated trees. When I did have a job for a short period of time I had my own apartment where my children could come and visit. Things were looking up, only for me to tear them down when I would see my children, and feel the guilt once again. The guilt I couldn’t and wouldn’t deal with led me back to the booze and now heroin, since the cocaine wasn’t working anymore

Falling Apart

I tried to lead a regular life, but I found that on coke, later on heroin that even the simplest things were impossible. My apartment looked like someone had taken everything I owned, shook it up and dropped it on the floor. I could barely walk through the piles of garbage, dirty dishes, clothes and knickknacks. I very seldom ate or slept. I wasn’t taking care of myself. I want the best for my children, and with me being on drugs I simply could not be a mother. I was angry and irritable all the time, constantly aggravated, frustrated, yelling and screaming. I tried to kill myself numerous times, of no avail. The strange thing I didn’t realize was it wasn’t until I got in recovery that I was trying to kill myself every day I drank and used.

I know many women who’ve had their children taken away, even mothers who chose to give their kids up to the system. I know women who have literally lost their minds because of drugs and booze and I was becoming one of them. I had no patience – especially for my own children . It was with this realization that I knew I had to change my life.

I met a man in recovery and together we both realized we needed a change. The adventure we embarked on took us to Washington State. His family lived there. All this did for me was to intensify my guilt over my children and my low self esteem. The only way I knew to cope was to dive deeper into my addictive lifestyle. I had my brushes with the law and legal systems, and near death experiences. The one that I accredit to opening my eyes was when I had a heart attack at the young age of 33.

I met a nun that was 24 years old that lived a similar lifestyle of my own. A soft spoken young girl that was not threatening to me, or condemning of my lifestyle. It was the first time I felt I had seen an angel in human form. A beautiful angel I will never forget until my dying day. She introduced me to state officials to get help.

Finding Help

I went to the state to find mental health help and I went in for a drug and alcohol assessment. I went from one inpatient treatment center after another struggling in between to stay clean and sober. After going through this, the woman running the last program I attended left it up to me to do some outpatient treatment, and it changed my life.

I took recovery seriously and attended as many 12-step meetings as possible – sometimes five meetings a day – anything to get me through it without using. I also joined a program that taught me basic life skills, like budgeting and parenting. Even though at this point in my life I didn’t have my children with me. I also joined other spiritual programs from church, meditation, and incense and smudging rituals of Native Americans. Something to give me a spiritual base to hold onto when the days felt like I wouldn’t get through them being clean and sober.

During this same process I met, came to know, and grow in love with a man in recovery. When writing this article we have been married 14 years. I met, grew to love, and walk this road of sobriety and spiritual growth with my soul mate. Also during this time the idea of being self-sufficient was mind-boggling. I was terrified to even set a goal for myself. At first, I hated the daily chores and meetings, and learning to be a responsible adult at age 33. I don’t recall when it finally hit that I live this lifestyle because I wanted to and not because I had to. All I do know is that now with 17 plus years of sobriety it has become a part of me. I live to enhance and strengthen it so I may share it with others today.

To Everyone Out There

In the beginning, cocaine gave me a feeling of euphoria, as the heroin and booze did later. In the end, all of it made me feel hollow and empty. Now I want to inspire hope in the families who know someone with an addiction like mine. People get stuck, and it’s important to give them hope to get out of it. Please! Don’t give up – miracles happen everyday.

Look if you want more for yourself and your family… if you’re tired of other people limiting your potential, or all the negativity and destructive behavior brought about due to drug and alcohol use then you really owe it to yourself to take the steps to get help. There’s a saying…

“If You Keep Doing What You’ve Always Done You Keep Getting What You’ve Always Gotten”.

I am living proof (in addition to the thousands of other success stories out there), that when it comes to recovery and the life I share with my husband, grown children, and grandchildren, that recovery will change ones life forever. Struggles that once seemed “a part of life”, are now a thing of the past. You literally can be free from the bondage of addiction and or alcoholism, and receive so much in recovering. All you have to do today is, SAY “MAYBE,” I have a problem, and let those that have been walking through this journey of recovery help you along the way.

For any input or comments feel free to contact me at 888-323-8916 Option 101 or email me at [email protected] You never know. Our paths may be destined to cross and meet face to face.

I am a 51 year old women with my own home business in the Pacific Northwest residing in Central Washington with my husband. I have 3 grown children and 7 grandchildren. I am a grateful recovering Alcoholic and Addict with 17 plus years of continuous sobriety and clean time. Part of my purpose in life is to share my experience, strength, and hope with others. If this can benefit one person out there then I have fulfilled my purpose on this leg of my journey. May you be Blessed, strengthened, and filled wth hope to continuey your journey.

My Mind Has a Mind of Its Own

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