This is going to sound very confusing, but do you think I use them to excuse my being sad over the rejection?

Question by Jenna: This is going to sound very confusing, but do you think I use them to excuse my being sad over the rejection?
I’m over the “sexual abuse” that happened when I was younger, except that I feel very guilty. And, I’ve had other people hurt me and, except for the fact that I’m worried about those people since something makes them act as they do, I’m fine. If it matters, I’ve never told anyone about these things.

I always feel like my eating disorder and self-injury (this I only do when my guilt is too much for my eating disorder to handle alone) should have valid reasons behind them, but, in reality, they’re in response to my perfectionism and to my being unable to earn my parents’ unconditional love. When people hurt me I just hate myself for obviously having done something to make them act as they do (I’m very lucky though because I’ve never had my peers be anything but nice to me; I’ve always felt that being mocked my one’s classmates must be awful- I always stood-up for people who that happened to, but it rarely ever occurred at my school). However, one thing that I feel very lame over is that I can’t get over the fact that I was rejected by Yale. I chose another college to attend, but, all of these months later, it still hurts and I even have weird dreams about it. I could never explain to people offline how much being accepted to that college meant to me, and everyone assumes I’m over it. It’s just that I channeled everything into being accepted there and before I even went to kindergarten I knew I had to get in (I felt really worthless when I was little as well and my family is very school-oriented so I guess I became obsessed). Everyone tells me, “Oh, you’ll be successful wherever you go,” but I DO NOT want to be successful; I hate money and will become a doctor who solely volunteers- it is possible to do this.

I love volunteering now as well and do so, but I hate being told I’m nice (because I’m evil). Everywhere I go people randomly tell me how kind I am. Even when I answer the phone and a telemarketer or a wrong number is calling they say how sweet I am. I just want to tell everyone how wicked I am. I wonder all the time why no one can see it. So, even though it’s often advised to not base one’s value entirely upon one thing (such as school- though it makes me feel worthless anyway), it seems that there is sometimes a “Best Option” (as in the case of school, since at least grades don’t measure how good of a person one is).

This post probably makes no sense at all; my thoughts are all over the place, but they’re supposed to relate to the core issue- being upset over school is pathetic and I feel like I’m always trying to validate being upset over it with my confusion over what I mentioned in the first paragraph, when I’m actually over that stuff.

I worry a lot that I make too big of a deal in my own mind of the things I mentioned in paragraph one, because I noticed that when I went away to college they were on my mind more, so I’m worried that I somehow use them as an excuse for my being sad over Yale. What if that’s all this is? What if I wouldn’t even be a little sad over that stuff if it weren’t for my rejection letter? Or, is that crazy since I know they have affected me even though I wish I could say otherwise?

Thank you very much for your time.

Best answer:

Answer by Roland M
To answer your question: No, I don’t think it was confusing, and I don’t think you’re using your past to excuse your present. If anything you sound like a very well put together person who is grappling with a horrible painful past and a disappointing future. Eventually you’ll graduate college and have a great life, career-wise.

It was a pleasure listening to you.

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