My girlfriend was repeatedly molested by her father growing up?
Question by AC: My girlfriend was repeatedly molested by her father growing up?
My gf, now 20, was molested almost daily by her father from the age of 5 until the age of 13. The more I got to know her, the more apparent the effects of this abuse became. I now see that she is a textbook child molestation victim. These are the biggest effects in her:
-extreme promiscuity
-horrid self esteem
-extreme paraphilias
-compulsive lying (even about inconsequential things)
-likes to occasionally dress up like a little girl and call me “daddy”
-no sense of appropriate sexual behavior or boundaries (she likes to come into the bathroom while im on the toilet to talk, or she tries to have sex in a crowded supermarket on a Saturday afternoon)
-likes to do things she knows anger me so I yell and curse and it validates her low self esteem
-takes pride in her promiscuity and wears it like a badge of honor
-extremely submissive. Her only objective in life is to please her man, regardless of the request. She also can’t make her own decisions — I have to make them for her
-determined to settle down and get married and start a family
There are others but those are the biggies. She refuses to get therapy because she doesn’t want to have to face the memories she THINKS she’s buried. This is the second girl I’ve dated with an abusive childhood, and the first was a complete lost cause so I had to let her go. This girl is different. I see brief glimpses of the normal, healthy girl that lies within. Her positive qualities, while overshadowed by the aforementioned negatives, are wonderful.
In my gut I’ve known all along that she can be saved — today she even admitted that she sometimes feels like a prisoner in her own body — but that hope is dwindling. I know there’s a healthy girl waiting to come out, but she refuses to get help. I can’t just let her go because she’s beautiful (she used to model) and her only happiness comes from male validation; the perfect recipe to get taken advantage of. If I let her go, boyfriend after boyfriend will abuse her and take advantage of her, and I love her too much to let that happen. I know she wants to change.
Sorry this is so long, but here’s the bottom line: she has agreed that since she refuses to get professional help, she will be as open and honest with me as I need her to be in order to help her myself. She has agreed to open up completely about her childhood and what she went through, and anything else I ask, as long as I stop pressuring her to get professional help. So my plan is to do whatever research I can, buy whatever books I can, talk to whoever I can, so I can teach myself enough to be her therapist. I know I won’t be nearly as effective as a professional, but I figure if she’s refusing to go to therapy anyway, this is the next best thing.
Please, any advice you guys can offer me (especially from mental health professionals) would be greatly greatly appreciated. I understand the enormity of the task I’m undertaking, and maybe she is a lost cause, but the brief glimpses of hope I see in her keeps the flame in me alive. But please don’t just tell me “she needs help.” And don’t tell me how screwed up she is. I understand what a mess she is, believe me, I have to deal with her daily. What I’m asking for is literature, web sites, tapes, DVDs, anything that can help me help her. And advice/tips from mental health professionals is especially appreciated.
Thanks for reading. God bless.
PS I’ve already purchased and begun reading “Allies in Healing” by Laura Davis.
This whole experience with her has changed my entire outlook on the objectification of women. I used to enjoy pornography and strip clubs, just like any other hetero male. I no longer enjoy these things, because I know the majority of porn stars and strippers are girls just like her, with fatherless childhoods, just seeking the validation of men, validation they never got when they were growing up. It’s sad.
Best answer:
Answer by xo0xo
You’re a really sweet boyfriend.
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